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Monday, December 19, 2005
Things I Have Learned From My Cats

A fact I make a point of reiterating at maximum volume roughly twice a minute to anyone within earshot is the fact that I have two cats who are small and adorable and will in time make an excellent dinner. This statement, loudly proclaimed or not, doesn't entirely do them credit. After all, the cats aren't merely the living feline evolutionarily-developed analog to Meals On Wheels. They're also teachers in the grand game of LIFE, where I always play a gay guy so I have two little blue pegs in the car and then I go out of my way to land on the kids tiles so that I can have this gay couple (who are of course unmarried) raising several kids because that's how I stick it to THE MAN! Whoo!

I'm not very good at rebellion.

Anyway, the point I'm making here is that I've learned a few things from my cats. Valuable lessons, if you will, and if you will not I'll smash through your wall and eat all of your delicious cake if you have any and if you do not I will snap into a Slim Jim like any good oaf should and then you will probably snap into a lawsuit and I will have to settle out of court and pay for the damages to your wall which now has a hilariously Myself-shaped hole in it. Here are a few of the lessons I've learned. They are valuable, sometimes costing me a great deal of money.

  • When people say that a proper animal owner will give his pets food, water, and plenty of TLC, they are not typoing THC. YOU MUST TRUST ME ON THIS.
  • Despite being outfitted with anti-gravity equipment for their insane leaps, cats will positively strive to be underfoot, behind your rolling chair, or poised to leap into the oven at incredibly inconvenient moments. They have a sixth sense for this very purpose.
  • Cats lick themselves clean with their tongues. They will eat bread, carrots, grapes, dry kibble, bits of paper, and hair or dirt that looks like food. They will not eat a piece of burger from a fast food restaurant. We should learn from this.
  • Small soft cat + huge lumbering oaf = attractive to the ladies.
  • Cats have a genetic disposition to experience extreme hatred of waterfowl. My cat, who had never before seen a goose started having a seizure, twitching and making weird noises, when she saw one through the window.
  • It's okay for my cat to crawl up on my chest and fall asleep if she's lonely or wants attention. It is not okay, however, for me to do this to her.
  • There's nothing quite like petting a cat and hearing her purr like an engine.
  • Cats are curious. And by "curious" I mean "absurdly destructive". That saying about curiosity killing the cat is stupid; it was clearly the owner that killed the cat as a result of the curiosity.
  • Whatever strange, hideous, or terrifying noises have haunted your dreams or waking hours due to your imagination, television, or movies, can all be perfectly replicated by fighting cats. Worse, they can all be bested by fighting cats.
  • After a short time, one no longer bothers to investigate unexpected crashing noises from other parts of one's house or apartment. Likewise, it is not strange to find broken stuff if you see a cat go casually strolling past. If cats could whistle innocently, they'd do it. A lot.
  • Cats in heat: no. Avoid. Even putting them in an oven little mutes their hideous yowling. I sympathize, cat, but damn.

Posted at 05:15 pm by Saladin

Urei Sachi
January 5, 2006   11:46 PM PST
Cats in heat= I totally agree. They keep me up for hours with their incessant mewling. What's more disturbing is that they're starting to sound a little *too* human... XD
January 4, 2006   10:01 PM PST
TLC does stand for "Tender Loving Care". In this post, anyway.

THC, on the other hand, is the active component in cannabis, from which is made marijuana. In other words, it gets you high.
January 4, 2006   03:29 AM PST
What on earth is THC? By the way, I love your sense of humour. And you probably don't know me, but Jz does, and Jz is doing random things with her blog, and I shall read it for lack of anything else entertaining to read.

I take it TLC = Tender Loving Care?
December 23, 2005   03:13 PM PST
That made me laugh out loud pretty hard.
December 23, 2005   04:09 AM PST
When people say that a proper animal owner will give his pets food, water, and plenty of TLC, they are not typoing THC. YOU MUST TRUST ME ON THIS.

---Yet another of those things I will be quoting for months to come.
December 20, 2005   08:50 AM PST
Catnip is the cat drug of choice. (Mine eat it, roll around in whatever's left, freak out for a while, and go back to rolling around.)
December 20, 2005   12:48 AM PST
At this very second, as you read this, I am kidnapping your cats. And you don't notice because I'm cleverly distracting you with this comment, which gives me roughly 12.5 seconds to grab Oafy and Lumbria and get out of here.
December 19, 2005   08:35 PM PST
Um...Oafy totally gave me some THC when I was there. I think this calls for a sitcom-stlye talk with your cat about drugs and how you trust her to make the right choice, complete with background music that is so syrupy and sappy you barely make it through the talk without gagging or ripping your ears off.

I think this blog reached lofty levels of your usual zaniness. Great jeaorb!

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