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Get off my lawn! (Formerly "Greetings, hello, and welcome!") Ordinarily this area is devoted to "a few words about me", but I am 25 (formerly 24) years old and I did not get this far by not telling people to get off my lawn (formerly "by telling people about myself"). Instead, you can go on an exciting voyage of non-self-discovery (unless you're myself - and I know I am!) by reading my posts. They date back to February of 2004 - that's more than a shit-ton (formerly three) years of quality!

I love blogging. I love this joint. And just as I predicted, this blog was ten gallons of fun in a one gallon jug. Then the jug split and burst, forcing me to find another one, and since I was unable to find a suitable replacement, I have a bunch of cups sitting around, full of fun. And one of the cups is full of scorpions! So if you decide to have a look around, watch your step.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Drawing Blog v2.0. (It has nothing to do with drawing, please stop sending me angry e-mails about that.)

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Friday, February 27, 2009
One Simple Rule!

I am not (I assume and desperately hope) the only person seeing these ads about how someone lost 83092348097234 pounds (or 7 million freight trains' worth) of stomach fat following one simple rule that you must obey. At first it seemed like a regular Internet ad: bland and boring, like Kansas in the summer or winter or fall or spring. I mean, I've been a 'Net junkie for like twelve years, starting in those faraway halcyon days when there were actually more humans on Earth than there were webpages and any chump could register without getting ruined by toughs from Big Milk, probably hailing from Ontario as such blackguards tend to do. Yes, that's right, Canada, I'm on to you.

So anyway, I've surfed the 'Net for many a year, and I've seen a lot of ads. And this one about freight trains or whatever the hell I was talking about seemed really boring, though it does prey on the crucial fact, known by all sound ad agencies, that Americans are hideously obese. That is, we are, as a nation, so obese that we pretty much deflect the moon out of orbit and will, on December 12, 2012, cause it to crash down somewhere east of Moscow, leading to general rejoicing except among people actually on the Earth; International Space Station residents, you luck out. Until you starve to death. Suckers. And given this obesity, people want to lose it without having to do anything like "eat less" or "exercise more" or "try not eating the whole damn bag at once for crying out loud". So despite its uninspiring form, its ubiquity plus its massive target demographic (ho ho, capital punnery!) mean that lots of people click on it.

Naturally, it never reveals the "one simple rule" that people must obey, and presumably that holds even after people pay whatever gougery is requisitioned from our corpulent and hypothetical consumer. But I'm thinking, what if the rule is, like, "support Tom Smith as dictator of Earth"? Tom Smith could totally conquer the Earth. And that's starting to worry me a little. Because Tom Smith is a dick.

Posted at 10:54 pm by Saladin
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Thursday, February 26, 2009
Grand Theft Auto: Biggleswade

Recently I discovered that the Law and Order franchise expanded once more like a runaway bacterial cell, this time turning the focus from increasingly esoteric sections of the American legal code (about which I shall not be making a joke on account of it's been done roughly eleventy billion times before) to the UK. This excites me, because now they can focus on extremely esoteric sections of a completely different legal code and also maybe evolve a slight chemical reordering at the 30S ribosomal subunit thus granting a resistance to Paromomycin, a long-time difficulty of the series.

I remember watching V for Vendetta and being obscurely delighted at the scene where the TV station's fire alarm or whatever is going off and the alarm system politely says "There seems to be a bit of a fire. Kindly evacuate the building. Queue up, chaps. Orderly now, please." whereas in the US such an alarm would go "FIRE OH GOD SAVE YOURSELVES FIRE! FIRE FIRE FIRE! RUN FOR IT TRAMPLE IF YOU GOTTA!"

Basically things are a lot more polite in Britain, and the joke that Family Guy made about drive-by disagreements was in the forefront of my mind as I watched the pilot episode. I kept expecting the detectives to be led over to a body, victim of a vicious No It Wasn'ting with the suspect being a white male about six feet tall, thin, bespectacled, and with an overbite. But actually it was a dead baby in a duffel bag. Which, you know, kind of put a damper on the whole thing.

Posted at 03:49 pm by Saladin
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I've heard in several places I visit (online, that is) that the theory of evolution is what leads to things like racism, genocide, eating puppies, and sadness; if only people would cast off such evil beliefs as the religion of Darwinism, it seems, everything would be made of cupcakes and sunshine. And that, technically speaking, would rule.

Obviously, as an unsaved unrepentant sinner evolutionist atheist puppy-eater, I refuted this because of my intense desire not to have to answer to god for my hedonistic promiscuity. But then I thought, hey, evolutionary theory was proposed in 1859; the KKK formed in 1865. Coincidence? I FIND IT STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY!

Also: how come discussion doesn't involve a discus? That too would rule.

Posted at 05:44 pm by Saladin
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Monday, February 23, 2009
Titles Are For Losers. Gay Losers.

I've had to watch a bunch of training videos on account of a new job (and by "new" I mean "three months old"), and apparently - this is news to me - even the mentally disabled should be treated with respect. I know how crazy that sounds, but I guess it's true. And judging by the eight or ten hours of videos I've seen, this is news to everybody. I imagine that if one were to take the time to count the number of instances of the word "respect" in these dozen movies, one's head would explode because of the cranial bomb secretly placed there. It's that many.


I wish the movies had bothered conveying any kind of useful skills (though of course I wouldn't have needed them even then, as I not only excel but literally define excellence in everything I do. Which means, basically, that in most fields "excellence" is defined as "marginal competence or familiarity", so people in all those fields you can totally feel good about yourselves.) instead of harping on something that a person would have to exhibit as a core belief before even getting around to watching the movies. For instance, juggling. How cool is juggling? The answer may surprise you!*

Also: Oafy doesn't seem to have ever realized that she is not a kitten, which is *adorable*. Also she likes snuggling and bellyrubs. Aww. So adorable.


*Answer is not surprising. Answer is nine.

Posted at 01:12 pm by Saladin
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Friday, February 20, 2009
Come On

So, this happened. And you know, seriously, what the hell, guys? A submarine crash? I'm not sure I even have the words to mock how incredibly impossible that is. The British should just keep to surface fleets, and the French should just keep to surface fleets that are consistently annihilated in epic historic battles. Sorry, guys. When you crash a submarine you pretty much demonstrate that you cannot be trusted around anything sharper than, say, a marble.

Also this happened, and it's pretty awesome. Finally, football that's interesting for ladies and gays! But not gay ladies. The great thing about the article is that it's totally hilarious if you read it with an eye for double entendres, or pretend that they're talking about sex in general instead of somebody hacking the Superbowl or whatever happened.

But company officials have yet to determine how that act was committed, spokeswoman Kelle Maslyn said, though any sort of equipment malfunction has been ruled out.

Posted at 05:40 pm by Saladin
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Thursday, February 19, 2009
I Too Enjoy Looking Horrible

I think something I'd enjoy doing is greeting strangers with bits of mildly distressing or confusing trivia. For instance, "It's a pleasure to meet you. I enjoy eating mustard by itself, with a spoon." Or "Hello, nice to meet you. I frequently spend Saturdays playing computer games with no pants on." Sadly I lack the requisite poise and self-confidence to pull these things off, though I am very skilled at self-deprecating humor.

I do however sometimes tell people that I do not smoke or drink or enjoy the flames, dear god the flames, which are all true, but I attribute these traits to my being a Muslim. It's fun watching people respond. "Really? Why not?" "Oh, I'm a Muslim." ".........huh."

Something irritating is that I have like ten or fifteen drafts saved for this blog, but I always sort of run out of steam before they reach completeness. Writing doesn't come as easily as it used to do for me. I wish I knew why. My theory: the inexorable grinding force of life, ruining all it touches. Stupid life.

Posted at 03:05 pm by Saladin
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Monday, December 22, 2008
Big Jimbo

My favorite part of Wikipedia? That the founder looks like a vagrant, of course. Seems fitting!

EDIT: Also he looks a bit like Greg House. And I've never seen the two of them together. Coincidence?

Posted at 08:16 pm by Saladin
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Sunday, December 14, 2008

Reflection built on sleeping poorly last night: "environmentalism" is a funny word. The following is a list of slogans based on that word.

Consolidated Mining Concern: Putting the "Iron" in "Environmentalism".

Naturalist Nookie Corporation: Putting the "On Me" in "Environmentalism".

Nev-R-Waste Anti-Feminists League: Putting the "Men" in "Environmentalism".

Dadaist Fish Abstracts: Pets high "Eleven" in "Congratulations" seventy-one.

Ambulatory Forests, Inc.: Putting the "Ent" in "Environmentalism".

Keping Upp Withe teh Jonses, Inc.: Puting the "Envi" in "Enviromentaliism".

Association For the Making Up of Words: Putting the "Ronm" in "Environmentalism".

Obvious Jokes Associated: Putting the "Mental" in "Environmentalism".

Posted at 09:28 am by Saladin
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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Here we are in the modern age, and yet Google reports 264,000 hits for "23 skidoo" including "23 Skidoo, Inc." On the other hand, 23 Skidoo, Inc.'s website is far too hip and modern and trendy for their name. Seriously, guys, change your name to Techno-Bland Productions and leave 23 Skidoo to those of us who would make a Victorian-themed website.

Posted at 12:35 pm by Saladin
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Monday, November 17, 2008
Censoring Armageddon

I've been playing Fallout 3 some lately, which is basically set in the D.C. area roughly 200 years after a nuclear apocalypse. Pretty neat game. Looks sharp and there are some very interesting (and horrifying) things to see or do.

So, your character has grown up in this underground vault where his descendents, among others, have lived since the bombs start falling. Then for reasons having to do with megalomania you have to split and survive in the wastes. A potentially early stop is the city of Megaton, a makeshift burg built around the crater created by an unexploded atomic bomb. Which people worship. It's called the Church of the Atom.

My character's first quest (other than "don't be murdered by the guys who want to murder you") was to disarm the bomb, but sitting around in the town is the villainous Mr. Burke who wanted me to rig it to go off. Because, you know, some old guy thinks the town is an eyesore. And it totally is. Naturally I told him that he was a douche and might find breathing water a fulfilling way to spend his time and went and disarmed the bomb. No, I don't know why my sheltered vault-dwelling guy knew how to disarm a 200-year-old Chinese nuke (oh, did I mention the nuclear holocaust was between China and the US? The nuclear holocaust was between China and the US. Topical!), I just rolled with it, got a nice reward (a house!) for doing it, and went happily along my way.

In Japan the option to detonate the bomb was removed. It makes sense to me that this should be so (the same way with the renaming of the Fat Man weapon, which shoots - in an act of unfettered awesomeness - mini-nukes) but I do wonder how many Japanese people still find the dropping of the nukes an immediately painful subject matter. Granted, it was only 60 years ago and so there are probably still more than a few people who were alive then, and it is terrible in a sort of general sense what with the 150,000 people who lost their lives, but... I can't think of a way to end that sentence. I mean, more people died in the firebombing of Dresden, and while this isn't some sort of mortality contest I don't know of any games that have had incendiary weapons removed specifically for a German release.

Anyway, it's just something I was wondering.

Posted at 02:38 pm by Saladin
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